Thursday, December 4, 2008

This is a good time...

I feel like this is a good time to post a blog. I'm intoxicated...just the type of behavior that I wish I could replicate in my everyday life. If you are wondering why my typing is not all jumbled up like I am is because I'm proofreading this and even though I'm drunk I'm not ANNIHILATED. My body is used to coping with this sort of thing. I want to say that I thought that at the outset of this blog that I would have a theme for it. I thought that I would organize my thoughts into well placed stories and arguments but I realize now that that isn't going to happen. What is going to ensue is true emotional out-spilling. The first thing that I will touch on is something that I mentioned in my infatuation with my ex. I know now that she is not the girl for me. But the thing was that while I was with her I NEVER drank alcohol. She filled that void for me. She made me happy without trying and I did not need to drink when I was with her. We went out every now and then but that was it. Ever since she parted with me I've been struggling with the fact that she isn't there. I no longer wake up with the feeling that someone out there loves me and getting out of bed is worth while. I think that I've been searching for that feeling too hard. While I can admit that I LOVE being in a situation where someone knows that I like them, I know that I cannot force something with anyone. I guess that this means that I am waiting for a girl that does not make me feel like I NEED to get drunk to have a good time. I'm waiting for someone to just make me feel fulfilled without alcohol being involved. There is one person that I think could do that for me but she is not an option for me right now. I would like to tell this girl how I feel but with HER situation it is not an option. While I know that I would treat her better than anyone else in the world she is happy where she is and I'm not about to step in and try to take that happiness away from her. Every time I see her my heart lights up. I can't express to her how much she has gotten me through the last few months of my life. I don't think she even realizes how much she has helped me. I hope that the day comes where I can tell her how I feel but if it does not come it does not come. That's just the way life is. She has no idea that I already know the way that I would ask her out on our first date, that I know where I would take her on our anniversary, or where I would propose to her. I honestly think that she would be the perfect person for me, but I can't tell her that. My better half knows what I should do but my sober half cannot do it. I need out of this place. I need something that is going to give me hope in my life. I haven't found that hope yet. Although I have to say about the people isn't them it's me. I know that I'm too cynical. I know that I don't give enough people a chance around here. I congratulate anyone who finds happiness around here. This just isn't the place for me. Not right now anyway. Not without the right person. Some people have career goals. Some people have life goals. My life goal is to be in a lasting, loving relationship. That's all. I want to love and to be loved. Obviously I would provide for my family and make sure that they had the best of everything. But loving someone with all my heart again is what I want. I want that more than anything. It is the most satisfying thing in the world. If you have already found that someone you know what I'm talking about. Everything else in the world doesn't matter. As long as you have that special someone it is irrelevant. That person helps you get through he day. Helps you get through work. Helps you get through school. Whatever it is that gets you through the day. That ONE person can help you get through it all. There are all kinds of horror stories about relationships and marriage. However, no matter how many bad things one can come up with about relationships the one thing that keeps them together is love. And I wish I could feel that again. IF you've found are lucky. Pray for me that I find it again....


Jenuhfuh said...

See, What I get stuck on is, what if you think it is love, think that its the person you want to be with for the rest of your life, but its just lust, or just being naive? I get so caught up on second guessing myself that I end up fucking everything up.

This entry hit pretty close to home for me.

The Verbal Warrior said...

Speaking from experience, you'll find love when you stop looking for it.

Something you may want to consider however, is that finding love should not be equated with your lack of necessity for alcohol. You have to be 100% true to yourself without chemical assistance.

I've been down this road, so I'm not trying to blow smoke up your ass .....just trust me, alcohol will do more damage to you psyche than your liver, in the long run.

Take care of you, then the rest falls into place.


Lisa said...

You are a great writer, wow! All I can say is remember that you are young and this is the time where you are supposed to be searching and defining yourself. Don't worry so much about the getting to the destination and enjoy the ride. It sounds like you have some incredible gifts and strengths that definitely will be appreciated by someone special. I have no doubt you will find happiness!

Christina C. said...

Okay, where to begin? There are a lot of issues (for lack of a better term, I don't mean issues negatively)that you bring up in this post and I think they are all tangled up into 1 ball and you could talk about extensively.

When you have all of these things going on at once, it can seem really overwhelming and difficult to parse apart one issue from the next. And, you're not alone. I just dragged my own butt out of one of these life funks (I'm gonna copyright that phrase) within the last week. Seemed like nothing else could go wrong and I was engaging in a number of behaviors that I was not happy about to avoid dealing with my tangled mess.

So, when life gets too hectic I always go back to one of my favorite Bill Murray quotes from What About Bob, "Baby Steps". If you start to tackle things and work on things 1 at a time, you will be amazed to see how quickly the Domino effect happens and things start to fall into place. You don't feel so overwhelmed doing it because you are making progress.

Life is to enjoy, not stress over. If you don't like the direction something is going in (drinking, finding a girlfreind, where you live, etc)than change it. Don't depend on these things to change or define YOUR life(for the better or worse)they are only there to enhance it.

As far as the relationship issues go, don't stress, you have teh rest of your life to be part of a couple. I have been single way more than coupled during my dating years thus far. What I've realized is that it's really difficult to be happy in a couple if you're not happy with yourself. As the Verbal Warrior said "take care of you and it all falls into place." Exactly. Totally coincides with "you'll find love when you stop looking for it." When do we stop looking for love? When we are busy getting our own shit together. You can't expect someone else to love you if you don't.