Sunday, December 28, 2008

Just like beer...

I've figured out that I'm an acquired taste.

This pretty much applies to all facets of my life. I'm not the person that is going to immediately turn your head when I walk past you on the street, when you see me in a bar, or sitting 3 rows in front of you in class. I might not be the person that you "just have to have" come to your party. I'm not going to increase your party's popularity by much. I'm not tagged in the "LAST SEMESTER EVER!" photo album on your Facebook page.

I always used to wonder how I even made this far socially. Why have I had relationships? Why is it that I've made the friends that I have? Why have some come and gone who are the ones who haven't yet and probably never will?

It comes down to repeatability. Whether it's controlled or just comes about by random luck.

I've found that people that are around me on multiple occasions tend to gradually warm up to me and realize that, whether it is a sexual attraction or a friendship, there is more to me than they originally may have thought.

Only once in my dating career did a relationship start virtually after one meeting. And it was the only time I had enough guts to ask her for her number after only seeing her just once. A majority of my friendships have developed from someone being around me on many occasions and gradually realizing that I'm a compatible person. In contrast, people that are around me only once or twice may be friendly and converse with me, but at the end of the day they probably don't even remember who I am.

Why does this happen? That's a good question. I wish I had an answer for it. I mean, I don't act any differently around someone at our fifth meeting than I do at our third. I don't look any different when you see me for the tenth time than I did the second time (unless, of course, you haven't seen me in years).

The only thing that I believe may explain this phenomenon is the fact that I am quite a hybrid human being. You can't put me in a clique. You can't put me in a physical appearance category. One time you might look at me and think "Damn! I don't remember him looking that good." Then the next time you see me you'll think, "Was I drunk?" I fully understand. I'm the same way with myself.

Sometimes I'm satisfied with my looks; other times I'm unhappy.
Sometimes I want to belong; other times, well, fuck wanting to belong.

You may think that this is a natural occurrence. "Well of course you are like that. Everyone is like that. People have varying emotions all the time."

With me it's different. It almost feels like a daily event. Who am I going to be today?

I have the mind of a man in the middle. I'm from the country but you can't call me a cowboy. I'm an athlete but not a jock. I like chick flicks and 90's boy band music but I'm not gay. I listen to metal but I'm not Goth. I'm alternative but not punk. A dork but not a nerd. A fan but not a fanatic.

I could go on all day. I'm a social orphan. I don't have a home. And in reality taking an honest look at my closest group of friends reveals some of the same attributes about them. It's like we've created our own "Hooverville" of social dimorphism. It's both encouraging and discouraging.

So maybe the main reason I'm an acquired taste is because people have to take quite a few sips to get the true flavor, and by then, they're too drunk to know any better.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Drunk on Music

This is a good time to publish round 2 of my drunken psyche.

No more single paragraphs.

It is currently 3 am on the east coast which means that I've been drinking since 10:30 and have gotten a full stomach at Euro Gyro.

I think that the target of my rant will be the people who are musically biased. I think that I can honestly say that if you don't listen to all forms of music and at least APPRECIATE them, that you really don't understand what music is all about. This isn't to say that people don't have a favorite band, genera or type of music, but if you are the person that ONLY listens to one type of music then I'm afraid you are missing the point.

Music is about expression. There is an innate emotional attachment to all things musical. And every human being experiences every kind of emotion in their lifetime.

Metal. Everyone has been so angry they wanted to break something (whether or not you DID is irrelevant to the discussion). Metal is the perfect genera for that feeling. Nothing says "let it out" like listening to Slipknot or Killswitch Engage and hearing the heaviness of the guitar riffs and the double bass kick.

Hip/hop. Almost everyone I know that says they HATE rap music has been drunk in a club getting their dance on with some random girl and feeling good about every minute of it. The club rap music makes people feel good and dance and get down to beats they may say they don't like but inside everyone can get down to "Whatever you Like" by T.I. C'mon's a good song.

Pop. Yes I said pop. The boy-bandish, teenie bopper stuff no human being over the age of 15 will admit to liking, yet listens to in the comfort of their own car or bedroom. It brings back the good old days, like it or not, inside ones self that ,yes, we were all of that young age at one time. We all had crushes on the seniors in high school when we were in 7th grade. It's just a fact of life; everyone goes through it.

Blues. The WHOLE GENERA is based on emotion. Everyone has been down in the dumps at some point in their life. Everyone can relate to having "the blues". It may not be the most desireable thing to listen to because of it's depressing nature in most cases, but there are some things about B.B. King and Jimmy Rushing that fit into some situations.

Rock. Rock is about sticking it to the man. Breaking free of the normal routine and being a rebel. I think we've all been there.

Country. Have you ever REALLY listened to a country song? Some are depressing but most are about having fun with family and friends. And being a product of a rural township I know that there really isn't anything better than hanging out in or around a barn and being with friends on a nightly basis. A little of the gt along mentality can be shared by everyone.

I could go on all night, foicusing on every genera out there and pointing out it's emotional ties, but I shouldn't have to. Everything from the cutlural music of India to the cultural music of the United States has a purpose and expression. Can you imagine how dull the climax of your favorite movie would be without the fine orchistration of the music in the background? Try to imagine that the next time you are watching your favorite movie.

Try to picture the world without music. Even the kinds you may not be particularly fond of. If you cannot admit that music plays a huge role in who the people of this world are, then I truley feel sorry for you.

So the next time you hear someone say..."Fuck that stupid music. Only dumb faggots listen to that kind of shit" I really hope that it isn't you saying it.

Friday, December 5, 2008

The critique...

First of all let me say...holy crap lol. @redheadpixie22 (Christina) was right. Trying to read that one long ass paragraph hurt my eyes. Oh well let me say that in the midst of spilling those thoughts the ENTER key was not on my mind.

There I fixed that problem.

Thanks to everyone who read and left feedback. It's rather fun that I now get to do the same thing. I get to talk to my other side through reflection and critique of what pours out of my drunken psyche.

First of all...way to be a cocky jackass about your drunken spelling ability.

While I can't remember much, I do remember thinking "Oh shit. That word has a red line under it. It must be wrong." Automatic spell check made me look good there.

Secondly, I think that your ranting made it seem as though you wanted a girl to permanently replace your drinking of alcohol.

The fact that I didn't drink very often when I was with my ex wasn't actually a product of her filling any kind of a "void" for me. The fact of the matter is that I had quit drinking excessively about a month before I even met her. I knew that I had to take a step back and take a break from it for awhile. My tolerance was out of control and a 16 vodka shot session was a PRE-GAME activity. I don't have any vision of drinking as much as I do now in the future. I just want to go out and enjoy my college experience as much as possible, seeing as how it is almost over (hopefully). I feel as though I can balance that portion of my life in the future.

So far you are 0-2.

Third, you ARE right about the fact that you love being in a situation where you know that someone cares about you as much as you do them.

That's just the way it is. I don't think anyone wouldn't get pleasure out of that scenario though so it's not really a hard judgment to make.

So now you are 1-2.

Fourth, once again you are right about the girl you would like to be with.

It's undoubtedly true. I am in that position. Many people are telling me that I have to say something to her about it and that if I don't she won't ever know. I think she does though. And sometimes less is more. I think in this case just letting the chips fall where they may is just what needs to be done.

Ok, now you are 2-2. 50% isn't bad for a drunk ass.

Fifth, what's this shit about your sober half can't do it? It's not that I can't but that I won't. Not right now anyway. For all of the reasons you listed in your excedily long section about her.

You go to 2-4 for that cheap shot.

Sixth, you are definatly right about wanting to get out of this area.

If my parents and a select few friends didn't live here I would have been gone already. I would have gone away; out of state to college. I would have worked the same as I do now and lived on my own. It just would have been in a warmer, more desireable area. Things about this area bug the hell out of me. Other than my obvious disdain for the weather, things about the people here are unavoidably annoying. I know my "cynical nature" came up and it's true. However I don't feel that way when I am other places in the world. For example, people in the south are warm and inviting. It's not called southern hospitality for nothing. People in New York are progressive. People in California have open minds. A large majority of the people here are so set in their ways they don't realize that there even is anything else out there. You would be suprised at the number of people here that haven't ever left the area. How can you say that Ohio is the best if you've never been anywhere else? Finally one simple example about how people think here would be...Twitter. People around here (most of them anyway) think that Twitter is a useless, stupid tool. My roomate @slantlinx is the top Twitter user in the whole area. And while he is an avid user, there should be people that are in the business of networking and promotion that are higher up in the list. They should realize that if they use it the right way there is an infinate amount of marking possibilities. It isn't that they don't know about Twitter, they just don't care.

I digress. I'll give you 4-4 for making such a good point about location.

Finally, you were right about the one person that gets you through it all.

If you have found that person you know that it is true. If you haven't, I'm right there with you. I'm not really looking AS HARD as my other half let on because I don't know where I'm going to end up in the next few years, both mentally and geographically. If I find someone that I truly love then obviously I won't pass on the opportunity to be with them. But like you guys said, I know that I can't LOOK for love. I know this because the last time I fell in love I wasn't looking for it. I was just going bowling with some friends and happened upon her. Then I got lucky by telling her which color bowling ball she should use to get a strike. The ten pins going down sealed the deal.

5-4 overall. Not bad for your first official attempt. Just remember to use more than one paragraph next time. See you later buddy.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

This is a good time...

I feel like this is a good time to post a blog. I'm intoxicated...just the type of behavior that I wish I could replicate in my everyday life. If you are wondering why my typing is not all jumbled up like I am is because I'm proofreading this and even though I'm drunk I'm not ANNIHILATED. My body is used to coping with this sort of thing. I want to say that I thought that at the outset of this blog that I would have a theme for it. I thought that I would organize my thoughts into well placed stories and arguments but I realize now that that isn't going to happen. What is going to ensue is true emotional out-spilling. The first thing that I will touch on is something that I mentioned in my infatuation with my ex. I know now that she is not the girl for me. But the thing was that while I was with her I NEVER drank alcohol. She filled that void for me. She made me happy without trying and I did not need to drink when I was with her. We went out every now and then but that was it. Ever since she parted with me I've been struggling with the fact that she isn't there. I no longer wake up with the feeling that someone out there loves me and getting out of bed is worth while. I think that I've been searching for that feeling too hard. While I can admit that I LOVE being in a situation where someone knows that I like them, I know that I cannot force something with anyone. I guess that this means that I am waiting for a girl that does not make me feel like I NEED to get drunk to have a good time. I'm waiting for someone to just make me feel fulfilled without alcohol being involved. There is one person that I think could do that for me but she is not an option for me right now. I would like to tell this girl how I feel but with HER situation it is not an option. While I know that I would treat her better than anyone else in the world she is happy where she is and I'm not about to step in and try to take that happiness away from her. Every time I see her my heart lights up. I can't express to her how much she has gotten me through the last few months of my life. I don't think she even realizes how much she has helped me. I hope that the day comes where I can tell her how I feel but if it does not come it does not come. That's just the way life is. She has no idea that I already know the way that I would ask her out on our first date, that I know where I would take her on our anniversary, or where I would propose to her. I honestly think that she would be the perfect person for me, but I can't tell her that. My better half knows what I should do but my sober half cannot do it. I need out of this place. I need something that is going to give me hope in my life. I haven't found that hope yet. Although I have to say about the people isn't them it's me. I know that I'm too cynical. I know that I don't give enough people a chance around here. I congratulate anyone who finds happiness around here. This just isn't the place for me. Not right now anyway. Not without the right person. Some people have career goals. Some people have life goals. My life goal is to be in a lasting, loving relationship. That's all. I want to love and to be loved. Obviously I would provide for my family and make sure that they had the best of everything. But loving someone with all my heart again is what I want. I want that more than anything. It is the most satisfying thing in the world. If you have already found that someone you know what I'm talking about. Everything else in the world doesn't matter. As long as you have that special someone it is irrelevant. That person helps you get through he day. Helps you get through work. Helps you get through school. Whatever it is that gets you through the day. That ONE person can help you get through it all. There are all kinds of horror stories about relationships and marriage. However, no matter how many bad things one can come up with about relationships the one thing that keeps them together is love. And I wish I could feel that again. IF you've found are lucky. Pray for me that I find it again....

Thursday, November 20, 2008

An Introduction to what you are in for...and why

I feel like you need to know the real me before you get to know my "better half".

My name is Keith.

I've always been told that I'm good at writing. Not because I use big words or make Shakespeare quality analogies, but because I am creative and can expand on simplistic subjects. My school teachers always tried to convince me to enter writing contests. One teacher was successful in his attempt and I ended up winning first place. I can assure you this isn't an attempt to toot my own horn, but rather a gauge for you to use to see how far I've come since I brought home the gold in 8th grade.

I've never been a fan of awards or titles, nor of telling anyone that I have them. Most people don't know that I was valedictorian of my high school class, a Ranatra Fusca Award for Creativity winner, Prom King, first team all league in high school baseball, voted most likely to succeed, a creative writing award winner, as well as the recipient of numerous certificates for being the "best" at something. (Just typing that paragraph made me uncomfortable.)

I commend people for working hard and being proud of their achievements. However if you come to my house you won't find any of these medals or certificates posted on my walls or mantles, but rather packed neatly in a container for some future generation of my family to find and think that maybe I was somebody.

The trophies that I have on display are of a different type. Trophies that remind me of the good times I've had with friends and family. Things such as the picture on my wall that I brought home from our local watering hole with my picture on it. Or the cheesy pamphlet from a comedy show/drug awareness seminar that tells you how to "clean your works" before shooting up to avoid getting HIV (I've never done that but there's just something humorous about seeing it in what appears to be an anti-drug flier for 6th graders). Then there is my personal favorite; the brick that I, for no good reason, took out of the road in downtown Kent while intoxicated that I now use as a door stop.

I've always been a shy soul until I'm comfortable with the people that I'm around. It seems as though once I'm friends with someone they tend to forget the way I was before they got to know me. Sometimes I know someone for a good while before they even know I'm there. While this may sound like the behavior of a stalker I assure you that it is not. I am just a VERY observant person. Little details about a person that I might aquire through overhearing conversations or witnessing someones repetative actions go a long way in helping me determine how to approach that person. I may choose to make them a preverbial "b.f.f." or to avoid them altogether.

Enter the cynicism.

This system that I have developed for feeling out social situations has made me realize how much of a cynical person I am. I'm finding out more and more that I pass out judgment like Halloween candy. Don't get me wrong. Most of my judgment calls are made based on factual previous experiences with people. However, I've been failing to realize that while some stereotypes are rock solidly true whether you believe in them or not, there are always exceptions to the rule. I'm working hard on this issue.

I think this is why I have a problem with my accolades. I see them as a basis for people to judge me. Hypocritical? Absolutely. Here I am talking about judging people with the fear that they are going to judge me back. Why do you think I'm trying to change my ways?

Enough about my struggle with judgment. Onto my love life...

I am one year removed from the most serious relationship I've ever had. Before her I never really entertained any serious thoughts of a life long commitment. I thought she was the one. I'm still struggling with it. I could write a novel about what happened and why, and maybe one night I will. The point is that ever since the day that my ex decided to move on I've squandered several opportunities to be with good, quality females. I feel bad using the "I'm still not over it" excuse's true. I'm waiting impatiently for the girl that makes me feel otherwise. Keep that in mind.

I have a large void in my life that I'm constantly trying to fill with various things. It might be the reason that I get too quickly and heavily involved with girls, or the fact that I sometimes drink too much, and possibly why I jump in and out of an addictive nature with video games. I struggle to find balance in my life. Instead of enjoying many things in small portions I want all of one thing at a time.

One last thing I want to touch on is my extreme disappointment in myself. While things like my judgment issue and failure as a stable boyfriend contribute to this discouragement, I feel like I can overcome them. They are not the underlying factor. The thing that most disappoints me about my life is my relationship with my parents. And it's all my fault.

I don't know anyone that doesn't love my parents. I have the best set of parents a person can ask for. They raised me the best that they could. They've always given me everything that they could. They've helped me through every hardship that's come my way. They have always been there to support me. Why is it then that I struggle so much with returning the favor? Why is it awkward for me to give my mom or dad a hug? Or to tell them that I love them and that I appreciate everything that they've done for me? Yet I didn't have any problem telling a girl that I knew for a WHOLE MONTH that I loved HER! Nor did I have any uncomfortable feelings about holding her and sharing the most intimate of acts.

All of these are topics that I may someday go into great detail about. But for now I feel as though you have enough of a knowledge about who I am to understand why I desire to become my drunken "better half".

When I become "Smitty", as he is known to some, I love EVERYONE, I don't judge ANYONE, I try to convince girls that I will make them the happiest person in the world, and I can't wait to see my parents again so I can give them a BIG HUG.

Then I wake up....